Holding the parts of my life

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The poem from the yesterday {when I began writing this post} the other day was my way back to this space.  I read it just a little while ago and it gave me words to even begin to describe where I have been.

I have been flat for such a long while. But pretending otherwise, because if you fake it you make it, and all of that. You are what you think so I was all on top of everything and holding it altogether and actually inside I wasn’t so much.

But I didn’t think I was depressed. Because I wasn’t crying all the time, and I wasn’t really sad, I was just kind of joyless. Ironic given the name of the blog!! :)

But I was holding it together, to one extent or another, not many people would have realised quite how out of whack I was…because even I didn’t. So..life happened.

Things got a bit demanding on the Board and took so much energy and time to work through the processes we needed to go through unexpectedly as a school, my Beloved was made redundant, both of us looking for work to pay mortgages and all that other unfun stuff but to no avail.

Feeling completely useless and not of service or value to anyone because I was not/am not getting employed in paid work. Losing all creativity (perhaps the scariest thing of all because it just is, really scary, still). Not sleeping except for a couple of hours for weeks. Suffering panic attacks…4 or 5 a day at one stage. Having a difficult relationship with my family of origin and that going to a place that is completely foreign to me, and I was in a place. A place where I had nothing left, just really flat.  Not really sad, though I had tears as well, but I felt more lost and completely overwhelmed than sad.

I was also completely empty.

So I put a brave face on it, but I only had enough for the most immediate of needs, which was not here, and besides with my dearth of creativity, I had nothing to share anyway.

A friend came over and opened a well of tears while she was here but I still felt I could manage this.  I had not yet succumbed to needing drugs again.  I was aware, I was taking self-care steps, I was not weak enough to need drugs.

And then one Saturday we went for a drive to the beach and I saw this view of the ocean (in the photo I took above and it was the most beautiful moment of grace that I didn’t have the capacity to hold it and I broke down and realised I did in fact need drugs. So over the rest of the day I came to the realisation that I couldn’t do it anymore and in fact I needed to go on drugs. Again.

And I snapped a couple of self portraits on that day of breakthorough. As well as some shots of scattering sea gulls that felt a lot like the mixed up detrius of my mind.

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So I made an appointment and went to my most fabulous doctor, and got sleeping tablets, and anti-anxiety tablets, and antidepressants and I evened out…eventually.

I still had no joy. But I was not crying and my panic attacks were only a few a week. No creativity though I did try.

I thought I may art journal my way back but I couldn’t even finish this page and didn’t get any further.

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At the doctors 6 weeks ago she asked how I was doing and I shrugged, and said okay, better than I was, and to my surprise she said she was going to double my dose of antidepressants because she thought I was still under medicated and my usual joy and spark still wasn’t back. So she did.

And the most amazing thing happened.

I felt lighter and actually happy for the first time in over a year maybe. Actually truly happy with no thought at the back of my head about what a faker I was. I made these photos when I was playing.

And I am there now. Feeling lighter. But still no creative urge so that scares me.

But I am here.

Trying to find my way back and trying to figure out what that means for me.

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9 thoughts on “Holding the parts of my life

  1. HI kindred, thanks for sharing your very touching story and sacred journey! Wishing you all that you dream and wish for..shine on and keep spirited. Beautiful imagery! ..we are similar in that way of expression..beautiful work! I hope you find your way and the journey fills you with many deep blessings! Keep sparking..and don’t give up!
    Hugs
    Victoria

  2. Sending you the gentlest yet very biggest hugs, my friend. I have been thinking of you often & am so glad to see you back here. Thank you for sharing your journey so bravely with us. Sending you beams of love & light! Hang in there, as creativity tends to jump out from us when we least expect it! Hugs!!💞

  3. Creativity does not go away. It’s always inside and just resting, do not worry about that. Take care of yourself, your body, health & family. Creativity is waiting for you my dear! And did you notice it’s peeking throug even if you don’t see it here: journaling, ideas, thoughts, beautiful self portraits… It’s there.

    Big hugs from me to you.
    xoxo

  4. Hi gorgeous. It’s ok to use medication when you need it…that’s what it’s for. It is not a sign of weakness at all. And though you feel no creativity at the moment I can certainly see it. Your cups of joy are leaking all over the page…what else does such a page need? You are stronger than you believe, or you wouldn’t have struggled on for so long alone. It is even “stronger” to admit you needed help, crikey, even I go to the doctors sometimes lol. Am glad you shared this with us, now we can send you more love and strength :D XXX

  5. I have just read your post again because I was going to send the link to a friend . . . it might help her as she struggles with the question of medication. I was struck by your last lone and wondered if, rather than find your way back, you might find your way to a brand new place.

  6. I think a few of us have been to that dark place, and it’s totally ok to do whatever it takes to get away from it – medication, therapy, whatever. You don’t get any medals for battling alone.

    You are so brave to share this with us.

    With much love,
    xxxxx

  7. Natasha, How I’ve missed your voice in this space. I kept checking and not seeing posts and then I missed these so very important words. You are a creative soul, but to create art takes energy, so when your mind is feeling better I believe the imagery and words will come.

Your comment will make my day. Thank you! :)

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