Thank goodness for this practice I have started of doing weekly reflections. This combined with my morning pages has ensured that even when I have felt off track and completely taken over by non-creative activities that in fact I have not strayed too far from the path. And it is a whole lot easier to find my way back again.
The journaling this week was about how far behind I was, or felt I was. That I was forgetting everything I had just decided I was going to. Just made plans for. And how disappointed I was in myself for that.
For self-sabotaging just when I was making progress.
But when I looked at what I had done behind the scenes I had still been plodding along. I had not stalled completely. Just that other events had to take priority. As sometimes happens. And often those priority-taking events, don’t announce themselves before hand or give you time to schedule them in!! :D
Look at it now, I was quite negative with myself and my self-talk, but this page is actually a lot kinder and compassionate than I was with myself. I want to keep this page hand as a reminder to myself to trust in my foundations and be kinder to myself through the different cycles I find myself on.
I love the background for this page. When I was going through my box of scraps looking for something to use, (because I am all about using up my hoardings on these reflection pages), I found this piece of refill. It had some paint scraps from some page or maybe even just cleaning my brush, half of a knitting pattern. The scrawled paint recipe for making an alive-looking black…just disparate scraps that have found themselves layered into this page I put aside to use as for something maybe. It felt as messy and uncoordinated and lost as I felt that week. But it also worked for me.
It came after I hadn’t caught up as I planned to, and so the voices were even louder in my head. Berating me for not keeping up. Been regular and keeping to my own schedules that I set. Allowing myself to feel so behind that I didn’t know where to start to catch up again.
This page now, feels like an acknowledgment that I was at least giving it all thought. Even if most of my actions and to-do list was been dedicated to other events. Just looking at this page now makes me want to well up and cry.
An acknowledgment and awareness of my descent, a gentle abiding of the reality and my surrender to that part of my journey. Underneath it all though there is still an acknowledgment that no follow up care is required. Nothing is broken. Nothing is unfixable.
It feels like a relief looking at it now. And here I am.