Still here

Is it a sign when you have to log back in to WordPress that you have been missing in action for too long??

Gosh.  I just took photos of my latest “My 52 Cards” card and realised that I had not taken photos of the one before that.  Aaargh!!  Life has gotten away from me in real life (evidenced by my laundry pile and library overdue fines) which means I have been away from here as I try and keep up.  I feel like I am so scattered that I am letting a lot of balls fall but I am here checking in, and hopefully semi keeping the ball from smashing heavily down to earth!

I have been working essentially full time in proper paid work which has been great, the extra money will give us some breathing room, that is for sure, and I love the research/analysis work I have been doing.  Work that makes you feel like you are making a difference.  I am especially grateful for sanity that I have been able to do it from home which has helped a lot with managing children, though it has not been without some teething problems as I am available a bit less and things still need to happen…I may have had a couple of unsexy meltdowns as the reality of not been fully available and able to do EVERYTHING became realised by all but we have gotten to here relatively in tact!! .

I would even love it was more permanent, though I think it is only for another couple of weeks so I am making the most of it, though I would have to also be a whole lot more organised if it was more permanent!!  Also I am going to buy myself a new camera, which is also *squee* exciting and I am looking forward to doing the research on that. And then actually buying it.  I will warn you because I suspect I will become very excited about taking photos again!! :)

Still I know I am behind on things including blog reading, but I am trying to get my blog reader back up to day…so expect flurries of comments in little bursts!!  I suspect some of the scattered feeling is also because I have not been doing my morning pages very regularly…note to self!!  But I am trying not to self-flagellate myself with some of my more recent negative self-talk about how crap I am doing and exercise a bit more self-compassion.

So…a bit of an update and catch up.

First I was over here briefly…with this.
Channelling Jackson Pollock

Channelling Jackson Pollock Close up

I cannot stress how much fun this was.  it makes me smile thinking about it even now.  In the middle of all this contracting work, where I have had moments of wondering if I am good enough to do it, flinging paint is a most excellent stress reliever…

And my latest 52 card contributions.

Heading for happy #26/52

This one was done in the midst of been so exhausted from working and mothering (is there a difference sometimes) and I look at it now, and see how emotionally heavy I felt, but still somewhat positive and on track towards the bigger picture. At least an awareness that I shouldn’t get hung up on the heaviness, though with my depression journey I am always especially conscious of feeling heavy, to keep a careful eye that it doesn’t go further.

My last one was this:

Here #27/52

A lot lighter, also done when we were just home from spending a weekend on my Aunt’s farm a few hours away. I did not a lot more than read my kindle and soak in the sun, and it gave me some breathing space from everything that was so needed.

Reflected by the words I chose!! :)

I will be back tomorrow with another post and more photos! So as not to wear out my welcome.

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6 thoughts on “Still here

  1. So good to “see” you back here! Oh my friend, you are so not alone with ” unsexy meltdowns” ( love that description 😉). I had one myself just yesterday. Be gentle with yourself…the whole mothering/working/being your own person thing is hard! Glad you are working it out in your cards. Looking forward to your next post…your words always inspire me & make me think! By the way I loved your guest DPP post! Flinging paint is a magic balm for the soul! Hang in there!!

  2. No – you are most definitely not alone. I call them my Incredible Hulk moments as I do feel like him – like my rage will sometimes burst right out of my body (and then it’s time to walk away, walk away, walk away!) HULK SMASH! And I have literally smashed my desk to pieces before. I tried to move my room around, I lifted it and the top lifted right off. Red mist. SMASHY RAAARGH! Craig just said “feel better now?” It was just totally the right thing to say – deflated me immediately and we both got the giggles.

    Sounds like you have been hugely busy – stoppit with the self recriminating or I will go smashy rarrrgh on you too! :D

    Lovely to see you back x x

    Your Daisy Yellow link doesn’t open for me but i do love what you did there. Perfect wording as always :)

  3. Great to hear from you! I am catching up in blog land ;o) A lot going on with you! Glad you had a nice relaxing time at your Aunt’s farm ;o) I always love your art and your writings! Very meaningful! Hugs ;o)

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