I meant to do a kind of weekend round up kind of post, and then time has passed in some kind of blur. And now it is Wednesday morning.
My weekend looked a bit like this after some pmsy grumps and a beloved that knows when I need the sea more than I do. It also involved some emails filled with arty talk, paint, journaling and hibernating. This photo was taken just before this waterbaby of mine got soaked and thought she may as well paddle now she was wet anyway. I knew her planning was heading that way when she got closer and closer to the water, but thought the wintery water temperatures would change her mind. Instead I became the worst mum in the world who wouldn’t let her get any wetter, or take her gumboots off. She became the child who wanted to go home because what point is there been so close to the water if you can’t go in. It was a full weekend. :)
My mind is whirring with all kinds of thoughts and wonderings about what I should share here, and what I shouldn’t. What no one cares about and why I even share. I started sharing for my own self, like a journal I never really thought about anyone reading. Then I began slowly connecting with a very few people (because I am painfully shy in real life, until you get to know me, and this has translated into this space as well). And the connections became so valuable to me. They are so valuable to me. Even when they go through ebbs and flows like other relationships in life. It is always the connections that fill in the gaps and bring the magic.
I set up systems so that my blog syndicated to my facebook page. That really threw me. In what I shared and what I didn’t. Knowing my family could read my innermost sharings and know more about me, then they had for a long while. I felt a bit self-censored. Not entirely comfortable. Not to mention old school friends who I have had nothing to do with for twenty years. Worrying about what they would think. It brings with it some big writing blocks.
I would think of things to say and then worry what people would think. In that entirely self absorbed place where you actually think what you say matters and people care, who really don’t because they have their own lives they are living. Even if they do, to be worrying about what school friends think from over 20 years ago is it’s own kind of madness.
This year I chose the word “open”. Not too long ago I realised I was actually not very open here, what with all the things I don’t say, and all these factors were all mixed up. The more I didn’t share what was in my head, the more I didn’t really want to come here and share anything. It was so compartmentalised and divorced from my own life, and when is life ever so neatly compartmentalised? Certainly my life (and house) isn’t anyway.
So I did some thinking about this blog. Why I was really here, what did I want to share, what I didn’t. I decided I was going to share whatever came to me from now on. Even if people get a glimpse into my madness, if they don’t like me, it won’t kill me (so people say). Thankfully my beloved and two children are relatively fond of me. :) Really, everything else is icing on the cake with that love behind me and underneath me. Reminding me about what is important and what isn’t.
A part of me thinks it is an age thing as well. Growing into these bones, comfortable enough with who I am, and the example I set my daughter that I am willing to be open. Open to connections, and for people to know who I really am. As much as that is ever possible online. I want these posts to be a reflection of me, more than they have been in the past. These are the thoughts in my head, and if you don’t like reading them, that is okay, you are not likely to like me either probably, and that happens. But, the truer I can make this matter to me, the more this little space of the internet that I have co-opted reflects actually who I am.
Yet in the natural order of things there will always be things left unsaid. And that is where my musings are sitting. There are no rule books. Just a muddling through and growing. A perfect reflection of where I am in life too! :) Fancy that.