So. Last night I found out that I did not make it into the art show I had applied to enter.
And I went to bed with all sorts of stories, trying to be clear that it wasn’t personal, or about me. Just not a good fit.
But really, that is so hard to really believe.
I tried to tell myself that it gave me other options, and I went through my other options, but I was and am disappointed. Like if I had gotten into the art show I would be a proper artist person.
So today I have not achieved much. I am still coughing up my lung I think (attractive delightful vision I know! :)), and I have a mighty headache, and I wonder if my thyroid is becoming imbalanced again, but really it was the email last night. It upset me, more than I thought it would.
And then a few moments ago I read this on Andrea’s blog:
And I’m learning, for maybe the 877th time, that a door doesn’t close without another door opening. You just have to stop looking at that closed door to find the open one. These twists and turns are a natural part of the path of bringing a big dream to life.
So often, people only ever talk about the struggle after it’s over.
It’s a shame, because there is much more power and beauty in sharing the stories as they unfold.
In being willing to say: this Creative Dream Path I’m walking along – it twists and turns all the time. I get my heart broken regularly while walking it. I get lost. Everything gets messy and upside down.
Waiting until everything feels smooth and clear again before sharing about the rough parts actually shows a distinct lack of trust in the process.
And it feeds into the stories that your inner critics tell you about how if your dreams were possible you wouldn’t struggle the way you do.
And I thought yes. I wasn’t intending to come here today. I wasn’t going to talk about this. And I am not looking for sympathy (though I wouldn’t say no either hahaha), but this is a part of it. A closed door.
I have spent this morning staring at it. And now it really is time to go look seriously at some of my options and find the open door. I tell myself if I just take action, it will happen. One step in front of the other. The pathway will become clear. It doesn’t feel easy when you take action though and it is not successful.
Clearly that was not a pathway for me at the moment. And I don’t say that lightly, because it still stings. But I can look at the closed door, and tell my inner critic that they are right.
Or I can face this head on. Admit it happened and it isn’t pleasant. But it really isn’t personal. It really isn’t about me dot com. I really do have other options and I can mope about the ones that I don’t have, but that isn’t going to change anything. This is my reality. As ugh as it may be right this second.
Also I am aware that in the great scheme of life, I am still fiercely in love with my beloved and my children are well and happy and so are my animals (apart from my Phoebe girl that was just speyed, though she thinks she is perfectly well today to go missing in the bush for over an hour!), and life goes on.
I can know all that though and still feel the sting. I can feel the sting though and find the next open door. And that is where I am going to now.
Thank you Andrea for encouraging braveness and keeping it real and doable and of course magic :).